One final season. One last episodic run through the crazy lives of the most over-the-top, couldn’t-believe-it-if-I-tried reality TV show of all time.
Yep… it’s time for the final season of Amish Mafia, which will premiere its last episodes on Tuesday, February 10 on the Discovery Channel.
Now for anybody who’s unaware of this little program, Amish Mafia purports to tell the story of a band of enforcers that protect the Amish community from being exploited or swindled. This group, headed by “Lebanon” Levi Stoltzfus, and his lieutenants Jolin Zimmerman (the “Moody Mennonite”), Alvin Lentz (an expert in explosives), John Freeman Schmucker (who seems to be dumber than a bag of wet mice), and Caleb Isaac Meyer (the Brethren member who can fight and fool around with the daughters of bishops). These vigilantes, along with the rest of the expansive cast, make for one of the most offensive, surreal, yet completely hilarious reality TV shows of all time.
And after I wrote an initial blog post about how offensive and disgusting I thought the show was – and that blog post suddenly vaulted to the top of the Times Union’s stat-metrics counts – I knew what I had to do. And that was to go back to my old habits of snark-reviewing each episode.
And sure enough, those snarky reviews turned into clickbait gold. I couldn’t write the reviews fast enough, and people were reading the show recaps voraciously.
Then came the day when one of the cast members, Esther Freeman Schmucker, was brutally beaten (in real life) by her (non-Amish) boyfriend, I’Mir Williams. At that time, I blogged that the producers need to shut this show down, in that somewhere along the way the “reality” part of the program got mixed up with the “reality TV” part of the program. It stopped being a show with actors that would give the Mighty Gong Show Players a run for their money; the program itself became completely self-aware and self-referential.
And now the program is back, with an upcoming sweeping arc that purports to have Lebanon Levi confront the Governor of Pennsylvania, in the hopes of keeping Amish Mafia from getting cancelled. Well, considering that this season is listed as “The Final Season,” I’m not sure if the governor got what he wanted in the first place.
So here’s the routine. Every Tuesday night, after a new episode, I’ll craft a new review of each episode, complete with snark and wisecracks and observations. I have to write them very quickly, in that Discovery doesn’t bother sending me any “screener copies” of episodes.
That being said, I may just sit back and binge-watch all the episodes, if for no other reason than to try to keep track of all the characters and locations and plotlines. Because if I have to sit through a dozen more episodes of this show that’s part Witness, part Children of the Corn, part American Gothic and part Goodfellas, then you know I can’t miss any of this.
No way can I miss any of this.